A Nice Spring Yellow or Maybe a Fabulous Pink?

Why is it that when I think things are looking pretty black...they start to turn around?  When I breathe and take a step back, things are never nearly as bad as they seem.  Yet, I never seem to remember this when I'm in the middle of that dark place.  My friend posted recently about saying it like you mean it...about giving your words meaning.  So important.  As much or more so in the words we tell ourselves.  You know what I'm talking about; those words we tell ourselves in our head.  The ones we would never tell our best friend.  The names we call ourselves.  The ones we would never call our family.  We manifest those words we "speak" to ourselves.  No wonder things start looking pretty black.  And, while I look smashing in black, I'm tired of my brain being black...it's just not the right color!  I'm thinking a nice spring yellow...or maybe a fabulous pink!  I'm done with black brain; how about you?

Frustration

Definition of frustration from Wikipedia (bolding is my emphasis):

"...a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will. The greater the obstruction, and the greater the will, the more the frustration is likely to be. Causes of frustration may be internal or external. In people, internal frustration may arise from challenges in fulfilling personal goalsdesires, instinctual drives and needs, or dealing with perceived deficiencies, such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations.  Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration;  when one has competing goals that interfere with one another, it can create cognitive dissonance."

 Well there you have it...I'm frustrated by what I see as a lack of forward movement in my life.  I'm plagued by a number of ideas and yet I seem unwilling or unable to find the time and energy to follow through with them.  It always seems like I end up looking to others for fulfillment. 

I've been working hard to learn to be open to new possibilities and opportunities.  It's hard not to get frustrated when I see someone else moving forward.  I'm happy for them but still a bit jealous.  What is it about human nature that makes us jealous of those people; that makes us think the grass is always greener on the other side, so to speak?

When I stop to take the time, I realize my life is great.  I'm learning new things, I love my job, and I love my family.  Stuff and things are not the important part; people are the important part.  Guess that's why frustration "can create cognitive dissonance."

Not sure this post makes any sense.  Welcome to my thought process!

Naturally Knocked Up

The title is stolen from a blog with the same name...check it out.  It's a great blog on fertility by someone who also has PCOS!

Photo taken December 19th, shortly after conception :)

Speaking of PCOS or polycystic ovary syndrome, I was diagnosed at 15 (as discussed before).  Within the next few years, I decided there was no way I was going to have children.  For one, I'm not terribly fond of most kids and for two, PCOS was going to make it difficult if not impossible to get pregnant.  Well, we know what usually happens when we say "never" but I digress.  I've never been fond of artificial fertility stuff either.  So, no children.  And, with poor self-esteem/body image I "knew" no guy was going to be interested anyway.

Then, I got a bit older and my cousin had her first kid.  Then, I joined the Mormon Church and everyone was having babies.  It started to not seem like such a bad idea.

Then, I got married (so much for no guy being interested) and eventually left the Mormon Church.  Married life was stressful and children again seemed like an unreasonable idea.

As we know, different things are important at different points in our life.  Suddenly, I became important...my health, both physical and mental became important.  Over a 2 year period, I lost over 60 pounds, became physically active, ate healthier, and worked hard to make strides in my self-esteem/body image.   

The PCOS was still there...but a child seemed like a possibility again.  So, Thanksgiving 2009, Andrew and I decided we were open to the idea of a child, through natural means, but that we weren't really going to "try."  Ironically, I was pregnant by Christmas.

I still have issues.  I still have problems with poor self-esteem, eating foods that make me feel like crap, not getting enough exercise, etc.  But, most of the time I know the difference.  I know things or issues aren't permanent...they ebb and flow.

On one hand, I joke that with how quickly I got pregnant, it is a good thing I wasn't promiscuous in high school.  On the other hand, I firmly believe that without the changes I made this would have never happened.

Our Own Worst Critic

I’ve done it.  I’m sure you’ve done it.  What is it?  Well how about talking to yourself in a way you would never consider talking to your best friend.  It seems like all of us that struggle with weight loss have done it at some point.  Told ourselves a story about how we aren’t good enough, or how we don’t look a certain way or how everything will be perfect when…Get real.  Stop telling yourself these kinds of stories.  Tell yourself good stories, positive stories.  Stories about loving yourself how you are.  Stories about how you are a wonderful person, how you are making positive changes in your life. Stories that make you feel good not bad.  Even subtle stories have the ability to make or break us.  Stop the negative subtle…shoot for positive subtle and work your way up from there!

Food For Thought

From Mark's Daily Apple: Coca-Cola Cares About Your Health

And, from USA Today Op-Ed blog: Food Labels Provide More Confusion Than Clarity

Why is it that we seem unwilling to take responsibility for ourselves and the food we put in our mouths in this country?

Thoughts on Self-Worth

Our dog, Carson, left about 3 weeks ago. He was only in our home for about 8 months but provided me with a number of opportunities to learn and grow. The day he left was very difficult for both Andy and myself. Andy might have shed a few tears (I'm not telling). I mentioned to him that in the 6.5 years we have known each other, that was perhaps only the second time I had seen that happen. His answer was something to the extent of, "I don't let emotions rule my life. I use rational thought." In the past, he has told me that I viewed self-sufficiency as a virtue, like that was a bad thing.

Using rational thought and self-sufficiency are wonderful virtues in their place. But are they always positive or can these virtues can be a negative in our lives? And, just when, if ever, do they become a negative.

It was a rough week after Carson left. That Wednesday, I went to group meditation at my church and decided to try working on this. Later I almost wished I had stuck with, "Breathing in, breathing out," rather than try to handle such a sensitive subject. As I was working on this, I had a light-bulb moment.

For me, being self-sufficient is a virtue and I'm okay with that. In fact, I value that about myself. It had become a negative for me when somewhere along the line, my self-worth got involved. A situation, such as Carson, caused me additional pain because I felt like such a failure for not being able to fix it...by myself or with outside help.

What a light-bulb! I am still trying to figure out how I can put this into useful practice in my life. As with many things, we often learn to recognize these traits or habits after we perform them. Being able to recognize this is a step in the right direction.

Perhaps in time, I will be able to ask myself, "Self, is your worth wrapped up in being able to perform this task? Is that good or bad?" Until then, I just hope to be able to say, "Oh, that's what happened" and move on without beating myself up over a perceived failure.

So this is my story about self-worth. I hope your self-worth is great. But if it's not, maybe you have something that might be getting in the way. Maybe it's not avoidance of emotion or the need to be self-sufficient. Do you know what's holding you back? Is there something you could lovingly ponder within yourself? How can you help yourself? Will it provide you with the opportunity to learn and grow? You are the only one who truly knows where you are.